If I had my priorities in order I would write something profound about what a beautiful, emotional Pride weekend it’s been, particularly due to the Supreme Court’s decision on marriage equality. Instead, I’m going to write about my cat because I need a mental holiday and this supplies it.
Here are some strange things my cat does: Nap in the sink (bathroom or kitchen, either will do), launch brutal, unprovoked vampire attacks on my arms and legs, meow like she’s being tortured for no apparent reason, lick the insides of the chicken packets, plant her ass in my face, vindictively swipe magnets off of my fridge. I like to think that with each trial she’s teaching me a valuable lesson. Here are some things I’ve learned over the course of owning her for almost a year.
1. Scream until someone notices you.
And if they look at you and then look away, scream louder. Scream until they’re staring. Don’t stop, and don’t draw breath.
2. Get in people’s faces.
If screaming alone fails, combine it with this tactic.
3. Sleep whenever possible.
In addition, master the art of staying asleep and/or sleeping in the most inconvenient location possible. On someone’s leg, for example, or on a keyboard.
4. Unless it’s night time.
There are so many things to do at night! Do them all!
5. When it comes to entertainment, innovate.
Who needs the fancy cat toys that litter the floor when you have twisty-ties or bubble wrap or boxes? Who needs a scratching post when you have a whole couch?
6. Stay cryptic.
Never tell anyone what’s bothering you. If they really love you, they’ll figure it out.
7. Mark your territory.
Excrement and fur balls work equally well.
8. If you see something clean, mess it up.
Clinically tidy spaces are no fun.
9. Take some time each day to stare out the window.
It’s meditative. (For best results, increase the amount of time allotted to this activity each day. Build up to hours.)
10. Look cute all the time.
It’s the one fool-proof method to get away with anything.